Showing your love to your children.
/By Belinda Plowell, MSW, PsyD
It seems almost obvious in thinking about loving your child. It is just something that you should be able to do. However, with busy schedules, custody agreements, changes in political systems and environments, it almost seems easier said than done. When you look at how you demonstrate your love to your child on a daily, yes daily basis, when you take out things such as food, clothing, shelter, and the obligatory good night kiss; how does your child know that you love him/her? Here are a few things to keep in mind…
1. Say “I love you.” Everyday. All the time. Reassure them especially after you discipline. Let them hear you say the words, no matter what age they are.
2. Spend one-on-one time with your child. Even if you have more than one, it is easy to get alone with each one for just a few minutes to hear about their day, their dream from the night before, or to be interested in their latest creative story or teenage-drama. Start early making yourself an available and listening ear and it will continue as they grow.
3. Praise your child. For every one correction or discipline, you should give your child five praises. “Thank you for picking up your shoes.” “You were so kind to your sister.” “Great job on that test!” “ You are such a great son/daughter.” Never underestimate the power of an encouraging word, particularly when it comes from your parent/primary caregiver.
4. Express physical affection toward your child. There is no limit on the number of hugs and kisses your child can receive. Hugs and kisses also have no age limit. From your infant to your teen to your adult child. Hold your child's hand. Rub their back. Pay attention to their reactions to physical affection. Not everyone likes to be tickled. Physical affection helps to demonstrate examples of good and positive touch toward your child.
5. Be consistent. All children need structure and limit setting helps to maintain that structure and demonstrate stability. Children know how they are supposed to behave in different environments, from home to school to Grandma's house. They should know what the expectations are and children need to rely on the parent's consistent response to reinforce these expectations.
6. Love unconditionally. Your child will never be a perfect angel. They will mess up. They will make mistakes. They will have never ending tantrums. They will work your last nerve. Love them anyway. You may not always agree with the thoughts and actions of your child, however it is important to convey that you accept them regardless of their behavior and emotions. Honestly, reflect the feelings your child offers, including the negative ones. Never let your child feel as though there is a limit or a condition on your love.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Just like there is no such thing as a perfect kid. There are going to be days when your child will push the boundaries of your patience . And some days when you feel like you are hanging on by a thread. It requires effort to let your child know how much you love them on a daily basis. But there will be days, that will feel almost magical and you can barely contain the love that you have for your babies, no matter their age. It is this moment that you hold on to and channel on those challenging days. This is when you tell them you love them (anyway or no matter what). No matter the origin of the moment, it is this moment that they turn into Disney commercials or an episode of the Gilmore girls. It's not complicated. It's just love.